its been a while since ive used tumblr. w school and my depression and all, Ive been avoiding sitting at home reading post after post to think of how sad i am. 

Anyways, now that im back, and saw a few posts. i see why i wouldn come on. so many people have so much confidence. They have supporters, and then there are people like me. 

People who aren pretty enough, or good enough. Freaks. Just oh so crazy freaks. 

My writing is down the drain, my OCD is all hay wire and to top it all off, i cant think straight. 

Sometime i wish someone would just tell me that im worth it. That it doesn matter anymore, bcuhz even tho, i have to battle depression and OCD w out any meds, it doesn make me insane. 

Four years ago, I was a confident bad ass, and look at where i am now… Just someone else whos trying to get by. 

I dont fit the model of “perfection”. Im not that size 0 every guy wants. I dont make myself up, or dress to impress. 

Im just an insane 16 year old girl who doesn know what she wants yet. 

ITs a part of life right? To doubt your sanity? 

I hope so. 

People look at me nd say “she’s gone through nothing”

-ive lost my best friend.

-most (if not all) my friends.

-my insomnia is soooo much worse than when i was a litto girl.

-my father is now “handicapped”

the hardest thing ive been through??

my drug addiction…

which i still haven gotten over.

I’m just afraid that one day, all ive done to get over it is gonna go to waste.

bcuhz after all.

I have started cutting again.

Im just scared that ima redo everything all over again…

My mother found condoms in my room, it’s not the first time.

She didn’t yell at me. She just thanked me for “getting over my phase.”

I can use condoms on girls too mom! Don’t think I’m not stupid T.T

ive lost count of how long its been since we’ve been together, but im sure it was bound to happen since he’s made it clear we’re in it for life…

i’m completely comfortable with the word “boyfriend” but, idk whether i want to stay out and about or go back into the closet and be the girlfriend everyone would expect him to have.

he says he fell in love with me for who i am, well… i don kno who i am…

i have a lifetime to make up my mind, all he wants is my happiness, but whatll make me happy is seeing him happy…

confusing, i know, but in the end it all comes down to the point

and that is.

i love my boyfriend, and im sure he loves me too <3

i found an old writing, one where i stayed up late and thought of you. yes, it got to me, but i wasn thinking of you, i was thinking of him <3 cuhz thats who i wan, him not you…

did i ever mention i just hit two months w my boyfriend? “boyfriend” its becoming alot more comfortable to think of him as a guy nd me as a girl.

please, don make me change, bcuhz i know, deep down ill always love her. i just have to get past the hate i developed after 3 years.

its been three years since i lost my best friend, my first boyfriend and most importantly, myself. and i think ive finally got it together again.

im ready for senior year, to be able to laugh while “billy” makes an idiot of himself trying to get me to smile. it sounds nice, you know, a break from hell. i think its time to smile again.

im afraid to tell my boyfriend that he might just be right, that it could be alot safer transfering to be closer, bcuhz theres still that little bit of fear in me, that i might just make the blade go too deep next time i hear someone say “why doesn she just do us all a favor and kill herself”.

everyone temps me, and they don even know…

today was one of the worst days ever… not only did i have to look my teacher in the eye and turn down the position ive been offered for my sexuality, i had my best friend walk away from me bcuhz i stepped down.

i slightly hate myself right now, and if it was up to me, id be chilling w a cold drink in my hand getting blind drunk so i can sleep in tomorrow.

instead, im online, skyping my boyfriend stuffing my face w cookies planning to give the new producer hell. bcuhz i sure as hell wont let a homophobe tell me what to do!

my boyfriend and i, were just about to reach that four week mark.

im somewhat scared that he’ll only see the girl in me.

and i beg him to acknowledge my boyish side.

but somehow i think i wont mind being a girl.

at least not with him.

cuhz i know he’ll be there when i cant fight back…